ill-uminated CHAOs

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No one will ever allow me to
Pour myself into them so freely
So safely
The way she did

& for the past four years, this has been my dilemma; trying to cut down on the amount needing to be poured
The need to be poured
The need for someone who wants to be filled.

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It’s safe to say

J was the best partner
to date.
Of course I fucked that up
And am forever apologizing to her because I know I broke her heart.
I know that she loved me with her whole heart.
I know that for her, I was Everything.
I know that I was immature & stupid.

I know that the gapping hole I feel to pour myself into someone, is the one she left.